Len'i-tive: adj. "Soothing."

Whenever I get stressed, I play the lenitive musical stylings of "Yanni: Live at the Acropolis." Then, I punch myself in the groin for being such a pansy. Which pretty much negates the "relieving of stress" thing, I guess.

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Sump'tu-ous: adj. "Lavish; luxurious; grand."

Man, I really dropped the ball when I dumped Heidi Klum after she called my penis sumptuous. I was sure that it had to be bad thing. Who knew that models had vocabularies beyond "swallow" and "purge" ?

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Dal'ton-ism: n. "Colorblindness, esp. as to red and green."

My elementary school principal was named Mr. Dalton. He liked to molest little girls. Therefore, I always thought daltonism was synonymous with pedophilia. I guess I was only 1/2 wrong though. Red means STOP, Perv.

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Foi'ble: n. "A weakness."

A major foible in Britney Spears' career is that she's never appeared nude in Playboy. Britney's other foibles include: everything she's ever attempted.

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Jack'a-napes": n. "An impertinent or obstreperous fellow."

That definition for jackanapes has got to be the worst definition of all-time. I understand exactly three of those words, and two of them are two letters long. Webster is getting WAY too complicated for me.

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Sil"i-co'sis: n. "A disease caused by inhaling stone dust."

I'm not a physician, nor do I play one on television, but I think silicosis is just a churched-up name for "cokehead." I'm looking at you, Bob Saget.

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“Beat the Cat” is a new feature designed to get a little reader interaction going on around here. If you didn’t know, I do a “Word of the Day” every day where I introduce a new word and definition, then use that word in a sentence. But if you are reading this then that means you probably know about it. Nevermind, I'm retarded.

Some of the time I try to be funny in the sentences, but I’m not going to lie, most of the time I’m pretty much just mailing it in, and quite frankly a lot of them suck balls. So, I came up with the idea for my readers to “Beat the Cat” by finding one of my sentences that was pretty weak, and submitting their own that probably blow mine out of the water.

So, every week or so I’ll pick out my favorite submission and post it alongside mine with a shoutout to whoever came up with it. Be creative. Make me laugh, and it would also help if you threw in a quick picture of your boobs too. Whatever you want.

I purposely came up with a horrible sentence for today’s word so you can get your feet wet, but feel free to browse the archives and fix an old one too. Alright, get started. Seriously. Do not read this shit anymore. If you are still reading I am going to reach through the monitor and beat your ass.

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Dep'i-late: v.t. "To remove unwanted hair from."

I depilate my pubes fairly often. For the ladies.

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Var'i-form": adj. "Varied in form."

I'd say the definition of variform is pretty much the word "variform." Real creative, Webster. This may only be amusing to me, though, because I'm drunk off my ass.

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Le'o-tard": n. "A close-fitting sleeveless garment worn by acrobats & dancers."

I always thought a leotard was a retarded leopard. Interesting.

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Claque: n. "A group of persons hired to applaud a performer."

Apparently, Ashlee Simpson must've forgot to bring her claque to the Orange Bowl, Saturday Night Live, and every performance she's ever done. She also must've forgot her talent.

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Pro-tu'ber-ant: adj. "Bulging out, prominent."

One reason men may not like the ballet is that the man-ballerinas' penises are constantly protuberant. This may also explain why they don't like Ricky Martin concerts either.

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Las-civ'i-ous: adj. "Inciting to lust; sexually loose."

I really wish Hilary Duff would be more lascivious. I mean, I asked her for anal last night and she totally flipped. What a prude. Wait... She's not 18 yet is she? Scratch that, especially if you're a cop.

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Ra-pa'cious: adj. "Greedy; grasping; predatory."

Everyone had the rapacious bully at school that would always take kids' lunch money and make fun of them, but bullies only did it because they were insecure and too fat to be able to see their own penis.

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Pres"ti-dig"t-ta'tion: n. "Sleight of hand."

The word prestidigitation contains more letters (16) than its definition (13). I think it also discusses something that girls do all the time but most will never admit. Sinners.

Bonus definition - Sleight: n. "An artful feat."

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Bib'u-lous: adj. "Addicted to drinking liquor."

I can't be sure, but after seeing Bill Walton speak in person, I have a hunch that he's probably bibulous.

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Im-bro'glio: n. "An intricate, confused, or perplexing state of affairs."

I've never heard this word used before, but I'm pretty sure that any time Richard Simmons gets involved in anything, it becomes an imbroglio.

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An"i-mad-ver'sion: n. "A slurring remark; blame."

Everyone lashes into Michael Jackson with animadversions about molesting little boys, but honestly, given the chance, you would too. Right? OK maybe not.

U-biq'ui-tous: adj. "Existing everywhere; inescapable."

I can't believe I can't think of a good sentencte in which to use the word ubiquitous. Try your own.

Jac"a-ran'da: n. "A tall tropical tree valued for its wood."

If you think about it, Tim Duncan could be described as a jacaranda. Don't get it? Okay, I'll spell it out for you: he's seven feet tall (tall), was born in the Virgin Islands (tropical), and his wood, uhh... you get the idea.

Fab'u-list" n. "An inventor of fables; a liar."

Wilt Chamberlain's boast that he's slept with over 10,000 women either makes him an incredible fabulist or an incredible stallion with an incredible number of VD's and illegitimate children.

Drag'o-man: n. "A professional interpreter or guide."

When visiting the South, it's best to take a dragoman with you to help you understand what the hillbillies are saying. Actually, it's probably best to stay as far away from the South as you possibly can, for as long as you possibly can.

Slat'tern: n. "A prostitute."

Many people don't know that Barbara Walters got her career started as a slattern on the streetcorners of LA. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.

Am'ber-gris": n. "A morbid secretion of the sprem whale, prized for making perfume."

Ambergris sounds disgusting.

Re-cid'i-vism" n. "Relapse into crime by a convicted criminal."

Seeing the irresistable new Louis Vuitton handbag, that kleptomaniac Wynona Rider fell into a serious case of recidivism and decided to use her five-finger discount on it.

Hu'bris: n. "Pride; arrogance."

Because of his over-inflated and completely unwarranted hubris, Ben Affleck seems to think the American society wants to keep watching him "act" in movies.

Lech'er'y: n. "Excessive pursuit of sexual pleasure."

The young frat boy, in a typical state of lechery, slipped his date a Roofie Colada at the annual Omega Mu mixer.

Cat"e-chu'men: n. "A student."

I am a catechumen. I am also really creative.

Nu'ga-to"ry: adj. "Worthless."

Word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan may have gotten a breast reduction. If true, it in effect now renders her virtually nugatory.